God Help You

This is the end of civilization.

This awful, godforsaken Internet phenomenon of people putting weird, broken English over pictures of animals. I can’t tell you how much I hate it.

Did you know there are entire websites devoted to this crap?  Did you know that the official name of these things are “LOLcats?” Did you know that every time you look at one of these images, you slaughter 3,000 of your brain cells?  Here, look at this one:

There. You’re dumber than you were about five seconds ago.

People post hundreds of these pictures a day. And what’s worse is that they have an active community that sits around and comments on them, as if it’s an actual discussion. And they talk to each other using this insufferable, bastardized form of the English language. Look at this 600-pound monstrosity of retardation:

A 5-way ty!! Kum 2 deh ty booteek adn gitting a deeliteful gift!! it b wun uv mai favo-ritest plaisiz. Mai pal Gibbocat keepingz it well stocked wif deh most wundermus fingzez u can imajining. habn’t seeingd him in a wyle, but I ken tell hez ben heer, dere b fresh stawk.

*Dey lukking rownd in wunder at teh awsumnesses uv deh Majikkle Ty Boo Teek.*
.
Himz haz deh tyz, uv corse and sum deeliteful kittee skarfzez.
*Handz ebbereewun a lubberlee silk ty oar skarf*
.
Ober here hdere bee Janitz favrit — deh bobbul hedded kittehz. And on dis shelf he b habbing deh kitteh faised loleepopz. Lukz like dere b a fresh supple eye uv deh CHRGz (wdoi) and a gross uv deh 50z bavving capz. Heer b deh pritty Cheezland sno-globez.
.
Dheze b deh finest in deh jewilreez — kittee eerings, braceletz and nekklisses. Oh luk!! kitteh wind chimez. *runz her paw akross deh chimez and dey tinkulingz deelitefullee.*
.
Member, ifn u duzn’t b seeing wut u b wanting owt heer in the frunt uv deh Tybooteek, dere iz awlwayz deh bak ruum. Datz were I fownding deh UniKorn fer Janet.

Oh my God.

This person is — apparently — smart enough to turn on a computer and locate their Web browser, point it in the direction of a website and visit it. Where does the breakdown occur from a functioning human being to a slobbering simp of an invalid moron?  Do they have a job?  Can they feed themselves without the aid of someone else?  THESE PEOPLE WALK AMONG US.

My apologies for my dramatic tones, but I am witnessing not only the utter decimation of the English language, but of humor itself. Funny is dead, if this is what passes for it.

Feeling a bit curmudgeonly, I thought I would at least make an attempt to understand the whole phenomenon better. One of the sites offers the ability for you to make your own LOLcat picture.  So, against my better judgment, I decided to create my own LOLcat, thinking that maybe I would empathize once I took part.  Here is my best attempt:

Did I do that the right way?

Whatever. I still don’t get it. Chuck Klosterman once wrote about the 23 questions he asks everyone he meets, in order to decide if he can really love them. Klosterman made it too hard. From now, I will ask everyone I meet just one question: If they think LOLcats are funny. If they don’t know what LOLcats are, I will reserve judgment. If they hate them, that person could be loved. If they like LOLcats, I will kill them with extreme rapidity so they may not spawn again on this Earth. Furthermore, I will create an obituary for them that features a photo of their dead body beneath white text that says “Mai LOLcats lurve gots me dedz.”

You may think that I’m taking this thing too far.

I don’t think I’m taking this far enough.

Tags: apocalypse, lolcats